Purim Stress
Dear T.,
With Purim upon us, I feel sheer panic!
Mishloach manos, seuda, Megilla [two times!], costumes, and ‘collecting’- no way to get this right.
The truly sad part for me, though, is that despite my tremendous efforts, no one ever seems happy that day. The little ones whine about their costumes, the big ones complain the misloach manos looks nebby, and the guests are greeted by an over-stressed, strung out Mom [me].
There’s got to be a better way to manage!
A Lakewood Mom
Dr. T.,
Let me begin by agreeing with you. Purim is hard, particularly when there are a number of children – and competing demands- clamoring for the parent’s attention. Ideally, we would all love to welcome b’nachas ruach the closeness to HKBH and our fellow man that this yom tov brings. We envision ourselves listening to the Megillah with kavanah, helping the less fortunate, and seeing the smiles of joy on our little ones’ faces. Yet, somehow, we fall victim to the tumult of the day and throw good intentions [“I will not scream at chocolate footprints!”] mental health, and spirituality to the wind.
So, let’s look at some coping strategies that will prepare us for this battle so we can win this war.
Step I: Be Proactive.
Proactivity is the #1 pre-requisite for effective living according to author Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Effective People.
Plan, delegate, assign, and simplify the multitude of tasks required for a successful Purim day - long before Purim arrives.
So, you may choose to plan your menu weeks in advance when you can comfortably cook/bake/freeze/shop in an unhurried manner. Or, perhaps you want to delegate the driving of children to their teachers and classmates to a younger sibling, neighbor, or babysitter. Similarly, you can ask your children to make their costume choices weeks in advance and institute a ‘no backsies’ policy.
But, by far the most important step to becoming proactive is including all family members in a family meeting to talk about Step II.
Step II: Have Realistic Expectations.
At a family meeting well before Purim, let everyone talk about what they would like to see happen on Purim. I would imagine that the sum of even the most modest of needs and wants would be overwhelming.
Now is the time to help your children prioritize and learn the very valuable life lesson ‘tafasta meruba, lo tafstah.’ Overweening expectations are bound to lead to disappointment; realistic expectations can lead to gratification and satisfaction. So, the child who wants to deliver four baskets and only does three is disappointed, while the child who anticipates, and manages, just one - feels accomplished.
What is realistic for your family is for you and yours to decide. Possibilities range from limiting misloach manos to a school shuttle to scheduling your availability to drive during non-cooking hours.
Can your child go ‘collecting’? Stay out to one o’clock? [“Everyone else is…”] Go party hopping with a teen driver? Knowing the ground rules beforehand forestalls disappointment and the begging and pleading that is so wearying.
While your children may be planning for a surfeit of exotic nosh and the stowing of the loot until serefas chometz, you may want to institute a healthy breakfast policy for Purim day and only a predetermined number of special treats for after Purim. Whatever you and your family agree on, knowing what they can fairly expect makes it easier for your children to go along with the program, and that means less stress and tension in the home.
The actual arrangements determined beforehand are very individual, but the results are uniform: clear, manageable expectations all around.
Step III. Clarify Your Values.
We are often so caught up in the moment that we lose sight of our goal. We all know Purim is a day full of meaning; a day to come together as family and friends and give thanks to Hashem. Somehow, this concept is obscured by the general perception, especially of children and adolescents, that the sole purpose of Purim is fun. So, in many communities today there is tremendous pressure to spend exorbitant amounts of time and money on creating misloach manos with a theme. Sometimes, the family members – adults and children alike- actually dress up like this theme.
This expectation can create a financial burden and social pressure for families unable, or unwilling, to meet these standards. Our children in particular may fall victim to the anxiety of not measuring up to their peers.
By confusing the means – the theme and hoopla- with the end- the meaning of the day and its traditions- we lose sight of our values and purpose. By stressing the means- fun, we deny ourselves of the pleasure of the goal- to share with family, friends, and those less fortunate than ourselves.
So make a plan. Focus on your priorities. Keep perspective. And, let's all try to remember that Purim is also a time to celebrate our relationship with HKBH- who is always there- no matter how many masks we wear.
Reprinted from Binah Magazine