Parshat Ki Tisa recounts one of the most dramatic failures in the history of Bnei Yisrael, the sin of the Golden Calf, and the intense dialogue that follows between Moshe Rabbeinu and Hashem. In that moment of crisis, Hashem describes the Jewish people as an “עם קשה עורף” (am kesheh oref), a stiff-necked people (Exodus 32:9). While the phrase appears as a rebuke, it also invites deeper reflection. What does it mean psychologically and spiritually to be stiff-necked, and how can we cultivate the flexibility necessary for personal growth?
Rashi explains that a stiff-necked person refuses to turn toward rebuke. Instead of listening to guidance, they turn their neck away from those who attempt to correct them. The Ibn Ezra similarly explains that the metaphor refers to someone who refuses to turn when called, much like a stubborn animal that resists being guided. The Sforno adds that stubbornness makes it difficult for a person to accept instruction. When someone becomes too rigid in their thinking, growth becomes nearly impossible.
The Torah later addresses this trait directly. Moshe tells Bnei Yisrael, “Circumcise the foreskin of your heart and stiffen your neck no more” (Deuteronomy 10:16). The Rambam teaches that the process of change begins with recognition of one's mistakes. True repentance requires honest self awareness and the willingness to acknowledge when we have gone astray (Hilchot Teshuva 2:2). Our tradition repeatedly emphasizes the value of flexibility. The Gemara teaches, “A person should always be soft like a reed and not rigid like a cedar” (Taanit 20b). The reed bends with the wind and survives the storm, while the cedar stands rigid and can ultimately break. The message is clear. Flexibility is not weakness. It is resilience.
Modern psychology echoes this insight. Researchers describe a similar trait called cognitive rigidity, the difficulty in adjusting one's thinking when circumstances change. Psychological health, on the other hand, is associated with cognitive flexibility, the ability to consider new perspectives and adapt to new information. Psychologists Todd Kashdan and Jonathan Rottenberg write that psychological flexibility is one of the most important components of mental well being and effective functioning. People who can adapt their thinking tend to navigate challenges more successfully.
This challenge is not only intellectual but emotional. We often cling to our perspectives because certainty feels safe. Daniel Kahneman, the Nobel Prize winning psychologist, notes that confidence often comes from how coherent our story feels rather than how accurate it truly is. When we feel certain, we sometimes stop questioning our assumptions.
The good news is that flexibility can be cultivated. Here are three practical ways to begin.
1. Cultivate self awareness: The first step in overcoming stubbornness is noticing when it appears. Pay attention to moments when you feel resistant to another viewpoint or defensive about your position. Practices such as journaling or mindfulness can help increase awareness of our reactions and allow us to pause before responding automatically.
2. Practice humility: Humility allows us to acknowledge that our understanding may be incomplete. Rabbi Jonathan Sacks once wrote that the highest form of wisdom is the ability to change one's mind. Being open to new perspectives does not diminish us. It strengthens us.
3. Take small steps toward change: Lasting growth rarely occurs overnight. Behavioral research consistently shows that meaningful change happens through small, consistent adjustments over time. Setting manageable goals allows us to gradually build the habit of flexibility.
The rebuke of being stiff-necked carries a powerful lesson. Rigidity may appear strong, but it often reflects fragility. A person who cannot bend cannot grow. Parshat Ki Tisa challenges us to loosen the grip of certainty and remain open to learning, correction, and growth. When we develop the ability to bend like the reed rather than stand rigid like the cedar, we become more resilient, more thoughtful, and more capable of navigating life's challenges. In doing so, we transform the very trait that once held us back into an opportunity for wisdom and growth.