Dear Therapist:
Our dear son, baruch Hashem, is married and the father of several young children. He is exemplary in every way.
The only issue is that he is seriously overweight. As his mother, I’m concerned about his health and wellbeing.
I don’t want to overstep or damage the beautiful relationship I have with him, which I truly cherish. But I am seriously concerned.
What can I do?
Response:
As parents, we never stop worrying about our children, regardless of age or stage in life. There will always be areas of concern, and it can be difficult to let go of the sense of responsibility that developed when they were young.
There are certainly times and circumstances in which we should take some responsibility—times when stepping in and helping is appropriate. This can take the form of advice or more concrete support.
The first challenge is recognizing when it is no longer our role to become involved. The second challenge is learning to let go once we recognize that a particular issue is no longer our responsibility.
What defines responsibility? Is it societal expectation? Is it anything we could potentially do to help correct a perceived problem? Or is it sometimes a way for a parent to feel better about their role or relationship?
Ultimately, our responsibility as parents is to raise children who are self-sufficient and who do not need our ongoing intervention. The older and more mature a child is, the more responsibility we should allow them to assume for handling their own challenges.
It sounds like you did a very good job raising your son. He appears capable, responsible, and functional. Your concern for his health is understandable. The question, however, is whether this is something that falls within your role to address.
If your son has a solid sense of responsibility, he is likely already aware that his weight poses potential health concerns. Is there something meaningful that you could contribute? For example, would he avoid seeking professional help unless you offered support or assistance? If there is something you could do that might genuinely help, the question becomes one of relationship and timing. Would he feel criticized or insulted? Or might he experience your concern as caring and supportive, even if it crosses your usual boundaries?
If there is nothing you can do that would actually be helpful, it may be worth examining your motivation for wanting to step in. Parents often struggle to relinquish responsibility, sometimes out of a desire to fix things or regain a sense of control. At times, this can also be connected to a wish to correct perceived past mistakes.
Understanding your motivation is key. If you recognize that your concern comes from a grounded place, and you believe your involvement could truly be helpful, it will be easier to determine whether—and how—to approach the situation appropriately.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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