Dear Therapist:

I am writing about a young man who has been trying hard to find a job. He is capable and responsible, but he is naturally quiet and somewhat shy.

He has gone on a number of interviews that did not lead anywhere, and he is starting to worry that something about the way he comes across is holding him back. The more it happens, the more self-conscious he becomes, which only seems to make things harder.

How much can nervousness or shyness affect a job interview? And how can someone improve the way they present themselves without feeling like they have to become a different person?

Response:

You’re referring to two distinct, yet intertwined, issues. This young man is naturally quiet and shy, which he believes may be detrimental to his success in interviews. It also seems that he is insecure about his shyness. This can lead to a vicious cycle: the more often he feels rejected during the interview process, the more self-conscious he becomes about his shyness. This self-consciousness causes him to appear even quieter in interviews. In turn, this reinforces the belief that his shyness is the cause of the rejection, making him even more self-conscious.

We often feel, think, and act in patterns. These patterns are frequently maintained by self-reinforcing cycles. When we feel something—for instance insecurity, fear, or shame—it is often driven by unconscious emotions. We assume that the emotion is being caused directly by the current situation, so we try to make sense of it through the lens of our present circumstances. In a way, this is putting the cart before the horse. Although the emotion may be triggered by the current situation, its roots are often tied to older fears and insecurities.

When we try to change any cycle, the first step is to identify its different components and understand how they interact. Let’s assume that this person’s insecurity contributes to his shyness—and that his shyness, in turn, reinforces his insecurity. If his focus is solely on the shyness itself, his goal becomes making himself less shy. Theoretically, this could work, but it is a very difficult goal to accomplish. As you mentioned, it may feel as though he has to become a different person.

If, however, he recognizes the source of his shyness—perhaps low self-esteem—the goal shifts. Not only does he now have a more attainable objective, but he is no longer expending all his energy trying to change something that may not be the underlying issue.

If this young man were to work on his self-esteem, he might discover that he is actually less “naturally” shy than he believes. He may find, for instance, that he has always been quiet because he was afraid of voicing his opinions for fear of being ridiculed. Often, people with poor self-esteem worry that others will somehow discover their perceived deficiencies and conclude that they are not good enough.

Additionally, when we are emotionally triggered, it becomes difficult to accurately assess the situations that trigger those emotions. As self-esteem improves, this young man may find it easier to evaluate the role his quietness actually plays in interviews. He may even discover that, in some situations, it works to his advantage.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Woodmere, NY

 adjunct professor at Touro University

 Graduate School of Social Work

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200