Our Gemara on Amud Beis reflects on the great deference for a mitzvah at the time that it is performed. Workers are not obligated to stand up before a sage so as not to disrupt their productivity, yet when the Bikkurim fruits pass by they do stand. The emphasis is on the mitzvah while performing it, that is to say, the moment of fulfillment has a particular holiness that is different than its idea or related preparations.

As great as a mitzvah is, there is something greater. There is a surprising Yalkut Shimoni (764):

“Tehilim (34:14) states: ‘Turn away from evil, do good, seek peace and chase after it.’ [In contrast to peace], the Torah does not command that one chase after mitzvos, rather many commandments use a language of “when” or “if,” implying that the mitzvah is incumbent when you come across the correct circumstance, but there is no need to chase after them. For example, (Devarim 22:6) “If you shall happen upon a bird’s nest,” or (Devarim 22:20) “If you come across the donkey of your enemy.”….However, regarding peace, the verse says to seek it out where you live and to chase after it in other places.”

What makes peace even more important than fulfilling mitzvos? Yismach Moshe (Naso 10) explains that ultimately, someone else can fulfill a mitzvah and it will exist in the world. Peace, on the other hand, must be actively promoted. When you do not have peace, it is like a container with a hole. All the benefits and blessings that one gathers from Torah leak out. (For used to make sense, he must hold that personal piece is subjective and no one else could do it for you, while the benefit of mitzvos can be conferred, even if performed by others.)

The toll that lack of shalom bayis takes on marriages and families is enormous. In a quarrelsome antagonistic home, children do not thrive nor are the adults positioned to notice or take advantage of opportunities. Yet sometimes it seems so hard because chasing after peace feels like being forced to swallow garbage. You may feel hurt or betrayed by the people closest to you. How do you not fight back?

Chasing peace does not mean accepting mistreatment, but it does mean committing to avoid anger and aggression. Anger and aggression are normal instincts that become activated when our territory is threatened. It does not matter if it is land, dignity or an emotional attachment. If there is a perceived threat, the urge to fight is strong. Yet human civilization and enterprise is built on selectively repressing or redirecting instincts in more prosocial ways. Instincts do not represent intelligence or judgment, just operating principles that generally enhance survival as animals behave.

Anger FEELS better and more empowering but it only is wise if your number one goal is to win. While one may need to fight in war if it is existential, if one fights with his spouse, and even let’s say he “wins,” he’s married to a “loser.” The more vulnerable feelings behind the aggression are fear, sadness and grief. It is hard to stay in that zone, especially if you have been hurt over and over. But in relationships, you can’t force someone to love you or care about you. So what use is fighting? You can only explain to the person, or try to explain, how much pain you are in, or your hopes and needs. Aggressive instincts might be useful to energize yourself so that you protect your boundaries and prevent mistreatment. Sometimes it might be necessary if there is no other way. Still, that will only protect. It will not bring love or peace.

The best use for the aggressive instinct in relationships is to gather the emotional strength to be assertive without being offensive, and in extreme circumstances to plan how to leave and take care of yourself. Yet, even that is not fighting or attacking. It’s being strong about basic needs. In many seemingly hopeless situations, sticking with the pain and expressing the needs without aggression, insults or control tactics can slowly bring about change. In the rare situations where over a long period of time, there is no significant partnership and your needs are continually refused or neglected, you might just have to find the strength to go, but anger and threats rarely force a person to become loving or trustworthy. We feel mad and want to force them to be what we need them to be, like a broken toy that might start working if you smash it a few times. But it’s impotent, useless rage.

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Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com