Dear Therapist:
Baruch Hashem, I recently got engaged to a wonderful girl, and things are going very well. I am very grateful, but something has been bothering me.
During my years in bais medrash, I was never really the guy people sought out. I learned in a large oilam, but I mostly kept to myself and often felt overlooked. It was not that people disliked me, but I rarely felt like my presence made much of a difference.
Now my kallah makes me feel very valued. She tells me how much she appreciates me, speaks highly of me, and genuinely seems excited to spend time with me. Part of me feels very lucky, but part of me keeps wondering what she sees that other people never really saw.
I worry that even after marriage I will keep questioning whether her feelings are real. How can I learn to accept being valued without assuming it is temporary or that I somehow do not deserve it?
Response:
I think it's clear that your issue is directly related to self-esteem. You worry that your kallah will at some point "figure out" that her positive feelings toward you are unwarranted. There's usually another side to that coin as well: you may also be afraid that she'll begin noticing things about you that aren't so great.
On that count, I can put your mind at ease. She will notice things about you that aren't perfect — that's normal. You won't love everything about her either. The issue isn't that you'll discover things about one another that bother you; what seems to underlie your fear is your own difficulty seeing what's positive in yourself.
It bothers you that you weren't popular, and this led you to believe that the people around you didn't appreciate your value. But you likely recognize that there are many people who aren't particularly popular. When you think about those people, do you feel toward them the way you feel toward yourself? Do you assume they have little value — that anyone who seems to value them is either faking it or will soon "realize" they don't have value?
You wonder what your kallah sees in you that others never saw. You're starting from the assumption that others, in fact, didn't recognize your positive qualities — so it seems odd to you that she would notice something they missed. But that assumption likely stems from your own difficulty recognizing, and internalizing, your positive intrinsic qualities. Your friends and acquaintances probably did value you and appreciate what you had to offer. Since you don't feel good about yourself, you're projecting that outward, assuming others feel the same way about you that you feel about yourself.
I don't know much about the nature of your friendships, but it's likely you never actually discussed with your friends how they felt about you. Your relationship with your kallah is probably different from any you've had before — you talk about your feelings for one another and are open in ways you may never have been. It's only natural, then, that this is the first time someone has told you plainly what they feel about you. That doesn't mean others didn't feel it too; it simply means you hadn't had the opportunity to hear it before.
I'd suggest starting by identifying the false narratives you may have been telling yourself — understanding where they came from, and beginning to challenge them. Working on acknowledging your own positive qualities will also help build your self-esteem. As you come to feel better about yourself, you'll be less likely to question your kallah's positive feelings toward you.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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