The Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses a scenario where an animal is chasing after a person, and in self-defense, the person injures the animal. Ordinarily, if one puts a blemish in a firstborn, the rabbis do not allow that blemish to free the animal from its sanctified status so as not to reward deliberate efforts to circumvent the rules. Yet if the animal is attacking him, then the blemish inflicted on the animal in self-defense is not a deliberate act, and it frees the firstborn from its sacred status.

The Gemara then discusses an interesting scenario. What if the animal is no longer chasing after him, but out of residual resentment and aggression, the person kicked it? On the one hand it was no longer self-defense, on the other hand it was a reaction to the animal’s attack.

This is an important consideration on the limits of human nature, and specifically how certain emotions and actions once triggered, are understandable. Likewise, the Gemara (Bava Basra 16b) comments on Job’s angry and disrespectful words stated during his grief and despair: “A person is not held accountable for what he says when he is in great distress.”

Similarly, Sefer Hachinuch (338) says that though there is a prohibition against verbal attacks, if someone is being attacked and he responds in kind, he is not liable. “One is not expected to just be a stone.” However, it is a middas chassidus to find some way to gently deflect and avoid a quarrel. The Rambam states in Deos (6:9): “It is pious behavior if a person who was wronged by a colleague would rather not admonish him or mention the matter at all because the person who wronged him was very boorish or because he was mentally disturbed, [provided] he forgives him totally without bearing any feelings of hate or admonishing him. The Torah is concerned only with those who carry feelings of hate.”

Notably, the Rambam tells a story in his commentary on Mishna (Avos 4:4) where that Mishna encourage extreme humility: “One of the important pious men was asked and told, ‘Which day is the one upon which you rejoiced more than any of your days?’ He said [back], ‘The day that I was going on a boat and my place was in the lowest places of the boat among the packages of clothing, and there were traders and men of means on the boat [as well]. And I was laying in my place and one of the men of the boat got up to urinate and I was insignificant in his eyes and lowly - as I was very low in his eyes - to the point that he revealed his nakedness and urinated on me. And I was astonished by the intensification of the trait of brazenness in his soul. But, as God lives, my soul was not pained by his act at all and my strength was not aroused. And I rejoiced with a great joy that I reached the extreme that the disgrace of this empty one did not pain me and [that] my soul did not feel [anything] towards him.’ And it is without a doubt that this is the extreme of low spiritedness, to the point of being distanced from pride.”

However, one must be careful about underestimating resentment, and overestimating one’s ability to stay civil. Holding resentment inside, even if not exploding, is a violation of Torah prohibitions. As the Rambam states in Deos 6:6: “When one person wrongs another, the latter should not remain silent and despise him as [II Samuel 13:22] states concerning the wicked: ‘And Avshalom did not speak to Amnon neither good, nor bad for Avshalom hated Amnon.’

“Rather, he is commanded to make the matter known and ask him: ‘Why did you do this to me?’, ‘Why did you wrong me regarding that matter?’ as [Leviticus 19:17] states: ‘You shall surely admonish your colleague…’”

Therefore one can only overlook these indignities and insults if he is of the character to completely forgive and forget. However, it is forbidden to carry feelings of hate even if not uttered as we saw earlier (Deos 6:9).”

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Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com