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Shaya Hecht, LMSW, CASAC-T

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Open reader view How Pesach stress can strengthen your relationship with your child

Shaya Hecht, LMSW, CASAC-T

March 26th, 2015

I have been spending some time with the mom of one of my clients discussing strategies that she can try to implement to improve her relationship with her son. Yesterday, we began to discuss the idea of setting aside some time for her to spend with her son, with the intention of showing him that he has value and is cared about. We continued to talk about how this can be implemented effectively so that my client would feel that his mommy deeply cares about him.

Suddenly, this mom’s calm affect shifted to a look of horror, and she stated that there is no way that she would be able to find the time during the busy Pesach prep season. She then comforted herself by saying that right after Pesach when “things are calm,” she will be able to find time to work on her relationship with her child.

The pre-pesach frenzy is one that I would imagine is common in most homes. The pesach prep to-do list is quite long: Cleaning, turning over the kitchen, shopping, cooking, kashering, buying new clothes, matzah and wine,are just a few of the many things that need to get done. And the stress is tangible. If one would observe the hustle and bustle of a frum home before Pesach, the wife/mother of the household would be seen giving out chores and responsibilities and making sure that everyone is staying on task.

Now imagine if in the context of Pesach stress, chaos, and anxiety, instead of Mommy asking her son for the hundredth time to clean out his knapsack, she would say, “ Moishe! How are you? What’s on your mind?” And now imagine if she would take a break from the Pesach focus and spend a couple of moments listening to him.

Yes, Pesach prep is extremely important and will occupy much of one’s time. However, dedicating a few moments for one’s child, especially during one of the busiest times of the year when there is lots to do, would send a strong and powerful message that the child is important too. The child may feel cared about after Pesach when “things are calm,” but I wonder if the care will be felt as powerfully...

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Well said! Children should not constantly be disregarded for other priorities.

Posted by Abah at 03/26/2015, 03:10pm

Shaya,
I very much enjoyed your article- what a powerful message! And what a great idea, to give kids the message that they are valuable even when one is busy- they still come first! Hope we can meet for pizza some timeâ€¦ all the best!

Posted by Anonymous at 03/26/2015, 03:22pm

Dust is not chometz and our children are not the korben pesach.

Posted by Anonymous at 03/26/2015, 04:13pm

Shaya you should be blessed with a booming private practice in order to help ensure the emotional well being of the children of klal yisroel! !

Posted by anonymous at 03/27/2015, 06:25am

Thanks for the feedback everyone! (Btw, I see adults as well..)

Posted by Shaya Hecht at 03/27/2015, 07:35am

What a true observation! Our children understand that pesach involves so much preparation. If we would take just a few moments to show them that although pesach prep is important, connecting with our kids is of a higher priority, children will feel that love tremendously! Even aside for the side benefit of better cooperation in the cleaning help, we can send our children such a powerful message with such a small (time wise) effort.
Great article!

Posted by Avi at 03/27/2015, 10:20am

Cleaning can be fun for kids if done the correct way.

Posted by Anonymous at 03/28/2015, 06:08pm

Shaya, welcome to the Nefesh blogging team. Great to have you here!

Posted by Shimmy Feintuch at 03/29/2015, 04:54pm

Thanks Avi! Shimmy, thanks for the encouragement. You've had quite a great team before my attempt to join :)

Posted by Shaya Hecht at 03/29/2015, 06:06pm

I believe that connection time can be built into productive cleaning and cooking too. If Mommy and child work side by side on repetitive tasks, there should be ample time for meaningful discussion. Also Mommy can take Shaya along to help when she goes shopping. Some of the best conversations happen in the car. How valuable for Shaya to know that Mommy needs him!

Posted by R. Kramer at 04/01/2015, 03:11pm

Right on. Pesach should be family bonding time and not stress time.

Posted by Anonymous at 04/03/2015, 12:28pm

I posted the following as a topic for a discussion forum for my HBSE students at LIU:

With Pesach coming, our thoughts turn to stress (among other things!). In class, we explored some of the psychological and physiological effects of stress. The question to consider is the following: Ask nearly any frum Jew, including nearly all Rabbanim, and s/he will tell you that we clean too much, spend too much, and generally stress ourselves out too much in preparing for Pesach. If this feeling and perspective is so universal, then why does the problem persist? How do we account for the disconnect between the widely help perspective that we shouldn’t make ourselves crazy and our actual behavior? If we are almost all on the same page about this, then why do our actions not match our stated perspectives? How would we explain this on either a psychological or sociological level?

Posted by Mr. Evan Steele at 03/28/2017, 10:53am

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