Our Gemara on amud beis discusses a case of a woman who entered marriage with a prior debt.

This Gemara brings to mind a modern phenomenon that can trouble some couples today: one spouse may be shocked to discover, post-marriage, that the other has accrued significant credit card debt. According to one study (Center for Marriage and Family, 2000; Schramm & Lee, 2003), debt brought into marriage is the number one conflict issue for newlyweds.

Certain kinds of debt are considered acceptable, while others are less so. Our modern economy is built on some form of debt—it is difficult to buy a home or pursue a graduate-level education without borrowing money. However, when someone enters marriage with an unusually large amount of consumer debt and fails to disclose it—especially credit card debt, as opposed to student loans—it can feel like a betrayal.

To make matters worse, the spouse with high debt often has a different relationship with money than their partner. Some people lack experience managing impulse spending, and up to the moment of marriage, may have simply used a parent’s credit card without considering the debt’s implications. Such a person might not even realize they are hiding anything serious, as they may have always assumed their parents would continue covering the bill. Alternatively, they may have an unrealistic expectation that marriage itself somehow “provides” financially, transferring a sense of security from home life into their new marriage. Needless to say, if the other spouse is more conscientious about money, the differing attitudes toward debt and the nondisclosure of it can cause considerable friction. This would be challenging even if both spouses had a relatively balanced approach to money. But if one spouse is overly cautious and the other is impulsive, the discord can be even more extreme.

When considering a marriage partner, it is important to discuss attitudes and values regarding money as one would with religion, parenting, or plans for where to live. Without self-reflection, certain attitudes about money may be invisible—just as with beliefs about religion or child-rearing. A person raised in a certain environment might assume everyone shares their views. For instance, some believe that as long as money is spent carefully, there is no need to worry about finances, trusting that Hashem will provide. Such a person thinks, “I will trust that God will provide.” Another individual might find this attitude irresponsible, believing, “Having faith is essential, but normal hishtadlus (effort that one is morally responsible to make) includes ensuring that you have the funds before spending. One should trust that God will provide, but ideally, He provides in a way that avoids debt.”

Both beliefs have validity and may work in certain families and circumstances, but when these beliefs clash, they can strain a marriage. One spouse may genuinely believe they are responsible as long as they avoid extravagant spending, while the other believes that responsibility means living strictly within one’s means. Similar to views on gender roles or sharing emotions, these attitudes are often absorbed subliminally within family life, leading to assumptions about their universality. This is why it’s crucial for couples to openly discuss beliefs and attitudes about money, as well as disclose debts, strengths, weaknesses, and both flexible and non-negotiable values. Having different beliefs from one’s spouse does not necessarily mean incompatibility. Rather, it is the inability to respectfully share, learn, and negotiate that can magnify differences and lead to discord.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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